Interlude: 4th Quarter Writing Goals

As I reflect on my previous writing on this blog for the past several months, I continue to see the trends and patterns that pervades my witting. I have branched off to new ways of expressing my ideas, with some degree of success and satisfaction.

Alas, my bitter struggle with writer's block continues. It is the single greatest factor preventing the expression of my soul through words. But in finding a solution to this, I must be practical. I did not expect myself to change drastically from my last reflection, but I certainly have gone through some change.

I've been able to isolate my creativity enough to chart it like a stock market graph. It peaks at certain moments, and then dips down low for the majority of the time. I am currently residing at one of these dip points.

This analyzation post is an exception to that graph of doom. That's because this is the post where I list my new goals:

- Again, I must renew my sacred oath to battle Writer's Block. Again, the embittered soldier at the Alamo does not know how to give up.

- Expand my horizons. I hope to go beyond just a simple podcast and words to include some video. Spring break is coming up soon, and i'll see if this idea is logistically possible.

- Express myself in a way that is satisfactory and soul soothing.

- Stop thinking a blog post is an academic assignment every three seconds.

- Effectively convey the most understandable meaning in my words in the shortest space possible.

- Make my posts more coherent and structured. I have the nasty habit of jumping point to point within a paragraph without proper transitions.

- More creative pieces. My dialogue story was mandatory. I hope to change that.

- Decide the fate of YOM. As it stands, this blog is a weekly portal of assignments that are graded by my English teacher. When the school year ends, I must decide whether or not to continue this blog, or bury it as an artifact of the past. It would honorably join Shattered Infinity in the legion of fallen heroes, a testament to the revelations of my adolescence.

In the end, words prove futile in describing this small, yet important, aspect of my life. The goals remain unclear, but the my convictions stand strong.

For in my darkest hour,

I will understand my hope and its cost,

For it was the first thing I ever gained,

And the last thing I ever lost.

And so I pick up my weapon,

And dare to brave chaos once more,

Endeavor to accomplish what no other had done,

To become the hero of legends and lore.

Forever striving to quench the thirst of my soul,

Nevermore my life fails to tend,

This is the final story in my life,

This is the most important end.

26) The Mirror Analogy

I once heard a beautiful analogy about life. If you've heard it, bear with me. I regretfully cannot remember where it's from.

Life is a constant shattered mirror: you pick up the pieces and try to put it together, but you always end up cutting yourself on the edges. And your reflection keeps changing relative to where you are.

Life regrettably, is not a simple mirror. that would be too easy. I've been doing some heavy thinking about my life and the lives of those around me lately, and I don't really like what I see.

For one, I'm quite pessimistic in thinking nobody reads this blog or cares about what I'm saying. This is mostly because I am not everybody, and I sure as hell would not waste my time on an obscure little web page in the middle of nowhere.

I've always had that pessimism seep into all parts of my life. If my English Final on this blog were any indication, it's that I've clearly given up on some things in my life. One such thing would be the optimism I once had.

This is another part of the rough spots in my life. In the long run, like this post, it's disjointed, confusing, and utterly pointless. But that's just me.

Internet ranting is one way I try to alleviate this pain, but all I every see is the endless swirl of evil and darkness that covers everything.

But what scares me the most is that I'm willing to reveal all of this online, because I'm adamant that no one is actually listening. Or caring.

So what of it? Does humankind have some trick up their sleeve to make me feel better? Nope. I have to suck it up, living another day with this depression that's been on my shoulders for five years. Five years of suffering and no one's tried to help me.

Maybe I'm better off not knowing anything else. Day by day I can criticize stuff, put it on this blog, and it won't matter. Strange that human capacity for kindness is rarely shown, and yet contempt and hate are much easier alternatives.

Self discovery has forced me into this little alley on that street. People walk by, living their lives, and nobody who ever looks down that alley wants to go in. Not worth their time and patience.

Or perhaps it's the place I'm growing up in. Surrounded by heaps of pessimism that automatically take form every time a conversation is started, every time something else happens.

And on top of that, it's raining outside. Just an endless torrent of water, flowing around me, chilling me to the bone. The idea of finding happiness in the rain seems impossible to me now.

I think I can finally say for sure what this blog is for. A final eulogy. A epitaph. Something to mark all those accomplishments I've won over in my studies. Proof that I tried to make this world a better place by criticizing it.

When I die, I think I could say I tried pretty hard. But it wasn't good enough.

English Final: Analyzation

Blogger and the overall idea of blogging has changed little about me, even though teachers would claim it is beneficial to my writing skills. My problem is that I don't see whatever improvements I'm supposed to have made. My doubt into this matter is a result of my constant writer's block.

I'm not accustomed to "freedom" writing in school. I doubt many others are either. There are very few writing assignments where you have full flexibility in what you wish to express. This is most likely due to fears of what you can write about in school and get away with. People love to bend this thin line of school ethics whenever they can.

This year, when I decided to take creative writing and required English, one of my main objectives was to defeat my adversary, Mr. Writer's Block. Now I have two classes that force me to do what I am not used to: exercise creative freedom. The number of assignments I have with such flexibility is on the rise. Right now, I'm juggling between blog posts and a few fictional stories I intend to finish.

Such creative independence is daunting. I am not accustomed to freedom over my actions. Most of the time, somebody controls or influences what I wear and eat. In my previous schooling, over numerous assignments, I've always had direction that forced me to work with guidelines.

This lack of dependency now has forced me into an ocean of topics that I hesitate to choose from. It's not because there's so little to work with, but because there is far too much. I don't like jumping into the ocean of creativity without a lifesaver. I often drown.

This is why most of my blog posts are drawn from random moments of inspiration. These are often influenced by others, which I still consider to be guidelines from fake teachers. They indicate what I should write about. These moments are seemingly random, and there is a subconscious response that reminds me I have a post due as an assignment. Sometimes I write these ideas down, and then disregard them later because I deem them stupid or impractical. The one idea I do keep, I write about.

This brings me to my second problem. When I don't discover moments of inspirational clarity, my mind enters a narrow alley. I just want to get the work done and disregard my creative voice. Some may be able to pull ideas out of nowhere on the spot, but the assignments I work on have a deadline. Although it is to be expected, you can't control creativity. I can't pop up with writing ideas at any given moment. My lemon of a brain doesn't like to be squeezed as a last ditch effort to complete homework, especially not the night before it's due.

When I started weekly blogging with YOM, I was enthusiastic about the idea. My first post was a prelude to the great endeavors I would undertake. As time wore on, my idea pool became exhausted, and I began writing ideas without efficiency and thoughtful prose. By the time I got here, my writing style was lacking in terms of language diversity and purpose. I was writing because I had to, not because I wanted to. This still holds true today.

Part of it is that I do some of the blog posts at school, or that I'm simply repulsed with being forced to make ideas out of thin air. My distaste for blogging has grown into an untimely chore rather than an outlet for my spirit. I'm still struggling with writer's block on my blog, along with the overall construction of this entire self-analyzation. The evidence is in my old blog, Shattered Infinity. Writer's block forced me to kill it with extreme self loathing.

When I do write, my current blog follows a trend. I generally just write about media and politics. Everything else falls into the miscellaneous category.

Media is an easy choice for me, as it is for many others on their blogs, obviously because of the impact it has on our lives. My obsession comes with people's interactions with media, and exactly how trends work. More specifically, this goes into the booming video game industry I am so very fond of. This is reflective on the video gamer in me.

Politics is the second fail safe option. It's tempting to write about, but must be done carefully to avoid confusion and criticism, even though both are expected in the final result. I fear the outcome enough to shy away from it.

The bright side on writing about political affairs is that you can relate to everyone on a personal level, as many have a political opinion. Also, you choose who to write about without getting easily stuck. There are many influences to draw from. Barrack Obama is clearly one of the major characters that come to mind. Following my mission statement, I have an inner craving to urge readers of my blog to think more about politics. After all, the government controls many aspects of your life.

Other times, I speculate on combining the two. I often visit www.gamepolitics.com, where I can get inspiration on the two topics that inspire me to write. I've started many hybrids of game politics posts, but they've turned video game posts every time. I hate politics more than I love video games.

I'm dissatisfied with restricting myself to these topics. I want to break the trend, but alas, Mr. Writer's Block has his gun to my head.

If there is anything I learned in the past few months, it's that I should broaden my writing horizons. I'm trying to overcome my fear of writing without being stuck. I've started to save unfinished blog posts and rants instead of deleting them. Looking over them might give me inspiration, and tell me what I shouldn't do when it comes to writing in general.

First, writer's block killed Shattered Infinity. Now it's forced me into a ditch with my current blog YOM. I feel I need to gain some revenge against Mr. Block.

Third time's a charm.

Interlude: Mirror, Mirror...

I often reflect on my origins and my past for future steps. We all do. When I try to think about why I do the things I do, I draw blanks.

What is my purpose? My destiny?

That's another philosophical question for another sunny day. For today, I had to look at the past posts on this blog and decide whether I've stuck with my original purpose and goals.

What goals? What purpose? I created the blog because it was a mandatory assignment. My original statement of purpose? I pulled that out of my ass because it was an assignment I had to do.

I said I would try to make the world a better place by provoking thought. I might have succeeded in making the few who read my blog think, but I've really achieved what I was looking for: Reflection.

School isn't easy. It is very tiring and boring for me. This blog is just tacking on to the list of "Reasons to live". Reasons to get up in the morning.

When it's all done and over, I think I could look back on this blog and see what I've accomplished. It'll bring a small smile to my face knowing I've done what little I could online in the grand scheme of things.

So that's my new goal. To keep publishing new posts on my blog. Surviving. Being proud of something at the end of the day. Just for the hell of it.

So I will remember what something someone close to my once said: "Life is the uphill battle you fight. When you get to the top, your ultimate reward is peace - Death. The part you need to look for is getting up the hill under enemy fire. And planting your flag on the top."

So I will keep fighting that war. That struggle to get to the top of the hill. This blog will be another rest stop for me.

I can put my weapon to the side and just sit down for a while. That sounds about right.

We Are Human.

Everyday events cause us to have opinions. They come and go as they please, but few take the time to fully examine them. They can be destroyed by other thoughts, actions, peer pressure, etc. Not enough people seem to appreciate the value of these opinions. It does not matter if it seems insignificant or is branded stupid by your brain. What's important is that it matters. Your Opinion Matters.

I hope this blog can be a space where I can express my opinions in the form of unrelated and random rantings. Little observations about the world compounded with my analyzations. My hope is that you respect my opinion as much as I hope to respect yours. My goal here is to try to provoke and encourage thought so that little by little, we can change the world for the better.

As a person who daydreams (who doesn't?), I hope to record what I can put together in words here. It would be great for me to talk about a variety of subjects, including games, movies, music, history, T.V., etc. If you're here to stay and read, I encourage you to have an opinion. Do you agree or disagree?

After all this is said and done, we can try and be proud to walk away knowing we had an opinion, even if we did not act on anything. All our actions stem from thought. For better or worse, it is important to try and understand our own opinion and the opinions of others. For some, a "good" event might be interpreted as "bad", and vice versa.

This is just one more step to becoming more reliant on decisions. If the answer is as simple as yes and no, good and bad, so be it. But if your answer is one you can stand behind, argue for, justify, and never regret, wouldn't that be great?

We stand here armed with the weapons to change the world.

Are you ready?