71) Legacy Of The Hopeless

Join us for a long awaited YOMcast as I rant on about America's war in the Middle East, explain a view on Don't Ask Don't Tell, reflect on the past decade of events (video), look at Korea's tension war, North Korea's willingness to open up, and prepare a message for the future...

70) And Off We Go

A musician always remembers their very first show in front of an audience. The anticipation, the sweat on your head, and the steady beat of the music is part of the mystical experience where the magic happens. The fear dissolves as you get into the flow. Even if you make a mistake, the crowd won't mind as long as you keep going.

I had this first experience just tonight, at my high school's annual winter concert.

As we group of thirty streamed out the chords for The Beatles's Let It Be, there was a lack of rhythm, lack of dynamics, and a lack of volume. It wasn't bad, considering that some of us had just started playing the guitar for the very first time three months ago. We had only recently mastered reading what was on the actual sheet music. Compared to the rest of the concert acts, we were terrible. A bad memory of an otherwise perfect evening.

While the other pieces lasted a good five minutes, we could barely hold cohesion for the shortened version of House of the Rising Sun for less than forty-five seconds. Disaster after disaster.

Guess what? It didn't matter.

Life is always unfair, and it certainly won't be the last time I might think to embarrass myself in front of an audience. What you take from it are two simple things:

1) You're not doing this alone.
2) "Good" is relative.

Which all but tells me what a show life really is. You never stop performing for life, or some other silent third person protagonist that may be God.

It's always your stage. But there is no sad music that comes on if you cry, and a rainbow will not appear on the set if you're having a good day. Sometimes, you're the only one watching your own show, and you realize what your own life really means.

And when the final curtain comes down, you may be left unsatisfied, or be glad that the show is finally over.

And, just sometimes, if you're really lucky, you'll understand that it's not always about pleasing the audience.

69) Necessary Evil

With the two Koreas tense after an exchange of artillery gunfire, alot of my friends (myself included) are inclined to be subconsciously afraid of world war three. North Korean military is no joking matter, especially when nuclear weapons are thrown into the equation.

Now that the U.S. carrier George Washington is in the Yellow Sea to help South Korea perform military maneuvers, both sides have their guns locked and loaded. It's no longer a matter of who fires first, for we already know that. It's a matter of who has more restraint.

Let's not forget that the North Korean throne has just passed to Kim Jong Il's younger son, Kim Jong Un. Will this younger leader show military restraint, or we he finally take the first step to reunify Korea in a bloody conflict? For the sake of the world, let's hope he makes the right choice.

And hence we arrive to my conclusions on war:

It is a necessary evil. Hundreds and thousands of years of war has not quelled the human instinct for violence. It sure as hell isn't going to stop soon. World peace is an idealist illusion formed out of hope, hope which is dimming by the second.

I hold this hope too. That one day world peace can occur. But for the moment, we're not ready. We're not ready until the entire world perishes in a nuclear fire, not until we understand that our capacity for hostility is the greatest setback to the utopias we try to build for ourselves.

Let's face it: without war, we have no way to gauge our appreciation for peace. We would not know the cost, the value, the beauty of pacifism. We cannot deprive the world of it's outlet for innovation and bravery.

Of course, it's more than valid to argue that the cost in lives is not worth it.

Which is why I always remember a little thing I wrote:

If humanity is not immortal,
And death is never rare,
Why fear the end,
Or how we get there?

But that's just me and my pessimism. For those who still believe in the notion of world peace, I encourage you to never stop trying.

But if tomorrow we die in a nuclear firestorm, I won't fear it. Not because I saw it coming, but because I understood why it happened.

That's worth a helluva lot when you're talking about human nature.

68) How America Lost The War

Ever since full body scanners and pat downs at airports have infringed on our right to privacy, the TSA has become public enemy number one. Time to join the chorus.

Of course, it's important to keep both sides of the argument in perspective. The TSA is just trying to do their jobs. If there is a reasonable chance of catching terrorists before they board a plane, we should by all means allow it. After all, we can't let another 9/11 happen. We can't let another war on another front occur.

On the other hand, we have a serious violation of human rights. There is now a constant flow of stories depicting harsh and outrageous treatment stemmed from the lack of common sense on the part of TSA men and women.

Perhaps a good indicator is the story of Thomas Sawyer. A bladder cancer survivor, he has to use a urostomy bag, which collects urine from an opening in his stomach. After being pulled aside, he warned the TSA agent of the bag:

One agent watched as the other used his flat hand to go slowly down my chest. I tried to warn him that he would hit the bag and break the seal on my bag, but he ignored me. Sure enough, the seal was broken and urine started dribbling down my shirt and my leg and into my pants.

He told me I could go. They never apologized. They never offered to help. They acted like they hadn't seen what happened. But I know they saw it because I had a wet mark.

It's stories like these that help you understand the outrage in all of this. How could the American government ever be capable of such a thing? But perhaps to learn a lesson, in Thomas's words:

I am a good American and I want safety for all passengers as much as the next person. But if this country is going to sacrifice treating people like human beings in the name of safety, then we have already lost the war.

Or perhaps a simpler story of a seven year-old being strip searched at Salt Lake International:

How did it all come to this? How did we end up paying the price for a war we no longer want? Oh that's right, some of us did want it. We were so convinced as a whole that America can take on anything, even the terrorists over seas. Any problem is America's problem.

How can we fight a war on terrorism, a war on the darkest aspects of humanity, when we can't even protect our own rights?

It is the story of how America lost the war.

Or I guess to close with a little Ben Franklin:

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.

67) For The Fallen

A few years ago, when I was in a Current Life class, our teacher grazed over the topic of suicide and depression. She asked those who thought suicide was wrong to stand on one side of the room, and everyone else to stand on the other side. After a quiet moment of shuffling, it was clear that I was the only person on the shunned shore. Of course, they asked me why. I asked them: “If suicide is so wrong, why does it happen so often every day?”

It was the revelation of how humanity is a paradoxically fickle thing. We see small aspects of the things that make us proud of who we are: love, compassion, kindness, etc. On the other end of the spectrum, we are capable of horrific things: war, savagery, fury. It is the darker side that makes us cringe in shame, reflect on how we are, of the things we’ve done, the things we regret.

And for those of us who simply don’t want to be part of this world, we are ridiculed for our obsession with death. We are told that it is a moral sin, that suicide is an unworthy liberation of our lives. That we are cowards to our futures, our souls and our faiths.

We don’t open up. We are convinced that no one can understand the pain, the anger, the crushing weight of loneliness. But in a way, we know that others have felt like this. Some have moved on, while others have perished. It doesn’t matter what their circumstances were, even though we seem convinced that there is no way out. We know that others couldn’t last a day in our shoes.

No, no one told us it would be easy. But no one sure as hell told us it would be this hard.

No, it isn’t fair. We are envious of other people for a multitude of reasons. We wish we had their happiness, their love, their outlook on life. We know that some will smile every single day they live, while others won’t ever go to sleep without shedding a tear.

It is humanity. It is cruel, it is unfair, and sometimes, if you wait for it, could possibly deliver you the best day of your life. So I don’t see why we shun suicide as such a bad thing. If someone were in such brutal pain, do they not deserve a right to end it all? Many of us go through our entire lives searching for a kind of peace. It is a peace that some of us will ever seldom find. Do the suffering not also deserve to find this peace?

Yes, perhaps I am delusional. Perhaps my words are the false echoes of lies we have come to know for ourselves. You are perfectly capable of deciding what is right. Truth is relative.

But you, my friend, you and I both share a common end. Death. We will both perish one day, sucked into the abyss that has claimed so many others. We will wither into dust, remembered as faint memories held dear by those who still care to know our lives and our legacies.

But we cannot live if we do not know how to die. We must be ready to accept that fate, destiny, our time can end it all in less than a heartbeat. It doesn’t matter if you hold responsibilities, or any other position of interest that demands your Earthly presence. Death won’t care. Your name will fade away eventually, even if it is remembered for several centuries. We are not meant to clash with the invincibility of infinity.

So why must we continue to deny those who wish to see the end their right to die?

Because it is human nature. For those who cannot see the light, we know there is one simple fact.

As long as there is light, there will be shadow.


…Soon are eyes tired with sunshine; soon the ears
Weary of utterance, seeing all is said;
Soon, racked by hopes and fears,
The all-pondering, all-contriving head,
Weary with all things, wearies of the years;
And our sad spirits turn toward the dead;
And the tired child, the body, longs for bed.

- “Death, To The Dead For Evermore”, Robert Louis Stevenson

66) Just A Shot Away

As the conflict in the Middle East wages on, gamers are anticipating a new war from the past. With the video game industry drying out ideas from America's past, present, and future wars, there is still one pinnacle of horror mainstream developers have not yet canonized.

Vietnam.

Treyarch's Call of Duty: Black Ops, dumps the player in America's misunderstood war, taking place in the dense jungles of Vietnam. There are shots of other levels on snowy mountains, presumed to be in Russia. We are in the Cold War era, after all.

Treyarch might not be doing it intentionally, but them seem to be triggering the video gamer generation's fascination with two unpopular and confounding wars. In the sixties, the youth were in full revolt with the old class, trying to end the seemingly pointless war in Vietnam. Today, youth protests no longer hold the weight they once did, if they exist at all. It's a important thing to understand.

The parallels are staggering. Not since The Forever War have the similarities been presented in such a popular and addicting manner. Both eras in American history were marked by internal strife of rights, dead-end wars, unpopular governments, and ailing economies. It was civil rights then, gay marriage now. Vietnam and Iraq. Nixon and Bush. Recession of 69' and Great Recession now.

Point is, both wars past and present serve to link together an experience current fathers and grandfathers can describe as a chilling echo of their youth. More importantly, this all helps shed more light on the veterans of an almost forgotten war. In Vietnam, soldiers went, fought, and came back. But there were no parades for them waiting at home. There were no instantaneous monuments. Heroes were forgotten.

If anything, Black Ops serves as a history lesson for those not old enough to understand the past, even if it's only a guidebook on weapons and machines of war. We get to see the differences and similarities that transcend leaders and borders. We get to see human nature in its glorious and destructive form:

The Rolling Stones' Gimme Shelter serves as a nice touch.

Perhaps the most special thing about Black Ops is its easter egg. You see, Treyarch's last game was Call of Duty: World at War, which depicted the Russian and Pacific Fronts of World War Two. The easter egg in that game was Nacht der Untoten, a game mode where you and three other friends play as Marines stuck inside a house being assaulted by Nazi zombies.

By popular demand, Treyarch reintroduced this in Black Ops, except this time you're fighting in the Pentagon. It's still just you and three friends, but you're not playing Marines anymore.

From left to right: Robert McNamara, John F. Kennedy, Fidel Castro, Richard Nixon

I really couldn't think of a better way to insert a president into a video game. It's not crazy, it's just politics:

Alternate links here and here. Nice to see Nixon's as grouchy as ever.

Maybe that's the best solution for world wars. Stick the leaders in a room with zombies and have them fight as allies. You could make them friends pretty damn quickly. Plus, it's always nice to hear Kennedy shout: "Can you dig it?"

So get the game when it comes out November 9. I promise you won't be disappointed. And above all else, walk away from it knowing this simple rule:

War is always just a shot away.

65) Crossing Horizon One

As Halloween rolls around, my childhood fears of monsters have turned into a legitimate fear of adulthood and life in general. It doesn't take a well educated person in the United States to figure out that the prospect for a happy future is a bit pessimistic right now.

Swamped by college applications and questions about my future, it's hard to think about what I should do. It's often a shock to your system when you discover that your parents have finally let go and given you command of your own destiny.

At the nexus of crossroads, you gain the ability to understand that you have to choose who you are and what you're going to do, then standing by that choice as long as you deem necessary. Some people can't conform to this ideology, finding it easier to live their lives in relative entropy.

For a person who hates mirrors, this is the hardest thing I could ever do. Core beliefs are hard to solidify on the spot. I believe it's a process that never ends. This is why we place such focus on education and growth. As we learn more about the world and its mysteries, we also learn about how it changes and impacts us individually. It shows us what we should do.

But where does this learning stop? As a rule, it probably never ends. As an old man we can look back on our lives and learn more revelations about humanity in general.

But perhaps a few of the things we should all learn before leaving school is that life is about respecting the will of others and believing in your own. That a person is as much valid in their beliefs as in their actions. That the different values and ideas defining us make us friends rather than enemies. That we are all created equal in our ability to live and to die.

Perhaps I'll never know what I want to be, but with morals and values, it's hard to imagine how I can realistically get anywhere. The entire world does not play by the same rules that designate our destinies.

So I guess part of growing up is understanding that none of it really matters in the long run. You live, you die, you laugh, you cry. The things you do define one small measure of a much bigger picture that cannot be easily changed. You will succeed, you will fail, and most of the time it's not fair.

I once came up with an internal quote:

"When most people are near old age, they wonder whether they've done enough to change the fabric of the world. They wonder if they've made a dent in anything. When I die, I never want to have that problem."

I just hope that my life actions will be for the better. However, I know that I plan to tread the world with conviction and fearlessness, dabbled with a healthy sense of hope and sacrifice. And if all goes well, I can accomplish a transcendence that can withstand the invincible destroyer that is time.

And perhaps, the one virtue I am proudest of:

"You, too...immortal?"
"No. I just don't fear death."

-Vamp and Raiden in MGS4

64) Talks With The Archon

Taken from Archive 18, memory cluster 89.37.82.

"...Because we conform to lives we know hold no meaning, to obtain a measure of peace we all seek, but few rarely find.

So you can't tell me what I should do? What you want me to do?

Just because I'm your father doesn't mean I guide your life. I tell you how to get to the junction, but I can't tell you which path to take. Join the military, go to college, get married, pump out kids? I can't force you to do that.

You're a damn good father, you know that?

Only because you understand that I don't love you because I have to. I love you because I can. I've come to respect you as an individual. Son or not, I learned early on to see past these petty differences.

Aimless and wondering in the ocean. Would you love a child who turned into a monster?

Would you?

What kind of question is that?

You asked. Look, it's not about making me proud, or proving anything to anybody. You will make mistakes. You will live. You will die. How happy you are in life depends on whether or not you can accept the truths you set out for yourself.

Cryptic, as always.

If you were coming to me because of my age, I'm afraid I can't impart on you the boundaries of my infinite wisdom.

For I am much too young to know...

You're never to young too live..."

63) Dying's Easy, Living's Hard

After four measly hours of sleep and a retake attempt on the SAT today, I started thinking about how hard life really was for students before me. And while I wouldn't like to imagine nuns with rulers, I really don't know what it used to be like.

Both my parents never went to college, so I never hear old-timey school stories. In their native Hong Kong, college was a luxury afforded to those who had the time and money, for public education isn't free over there. It's easy for my parents to take education for granted, seeing as they were hired for work when they were of 'legal' age. They started earning paychecks at sixteen.

From what I could remember as a toddler before I immigrated to the U.S., school in China is a studious mind rape of hell, where you have to learn rudimentary algebra before you learn how to tie your shoes. Ask any student immigrant from Hong Kong and they'll tell you how much more relaxed it is over here in America.

It's not just the subjects and the assigned work. It's the school ethic the kids learn. They realize early on that failure is not an option, lest your teacher display your academic shortcomings in front of the class. They are trained from day one to do what they are supposed to when they are supposed to. Work comes before fun, if they understand the concept of fun at all. Whatever free time remains is devoted to personal research in another academic discipline.

It's this kind of atmosphere that brings up children into productive members of society. And now I wonder what my life would've been like had I stayed in Hong Kong. Would I be more successful? Would I have started working at the ripe age of sixteen? Or would I be valedictorian?

Schooling reflections aside, it's just another aspect of my life that makes things hard. We all deal with it in our own ways. The pressure, the pain, and all the mental and physical harm has made so very tired. Life doesn't get any easier.

Pessimism aside, the point of this reflection was to share my common mantras for living life, no matter how hard it may be. Since I remember them so often everyday:

- Don't speak unless it improves the silence.
- An open mind means being kind.
- It's only illegal if you get caught.
- Sometimes you don't have the luxury of ethics.
- Bend them or modify them, but never go over your limits.
- Everything and nothing are infinite.
- When in doubt, frag out.
- Never fear death; have it fear you.
- No use crying over spilt milk; it could've been beer.
- It's better to have people you know inside pissing out than outside pissing in.
- Nothing is impossible, only improbable.
- Humility saves lives.
- A cornered fox will fight with the ferocity of a tiger.
- Vanity knows karma better than you do.
- Truth is relative.
- One man's war is another person's peace.
- There are times and places for everything...which means you never have that luxury.
- You're not ready to live if you're not ready to die.
- There are more meaningful things in life than complaining about what you can't have.
- Nobody will remember you in a thousand years. Deal with it.
- The meaning of life often involves trying not to think about the meaning of life.

So take out a list and write down your mantras today! You never know; it might make your life easier.

62) Wolverines!

Damn it THQ. You and your creative minds stealing my video game ideas. Or maybe we're just both that good at predicting the future.

Their newest project in development is a game based on current political headlines. It's about the North Korean Army invading U.S. soil after things go bad. The title of this new game, Homefront, pretty much says it all. Check out the trailer:

As this article so clearly states (Alt video link in there too), the game is turning heads because it's based on today's political troubles. People often forget that North Korea likes to play with nukes. Or as my friends love to deflect: "If it ever happened, we'd nuke their asses."

And so hypotheticals are becoming eerily true. With the ailing Kin Jong-il standing down, it seems that his successor, Kim Jong-un, couldn't possibly make things worse. Or at the very least, he couldn't make things any better.

But as our fictional trailer illustrates, America is more than likely to tread a hard path in the future. Not to say that the U.S. is actually going to get invaded, but then again, North Korea has the capacity to copy American foreign policy: "Bullets solve problems."

If it happens, let's hope they don't crack open the nukes.

At the very least, this game is some delightful political commentary, if not just an excuse to switch public enemy number one from Nazis to Communists. Gamers are so tired of shooting Nazis in their favorite World War 2 video game that they've even explored the next best option: Nazi Zombies.

Thing is, I could actually see the United States starting this entire thing. I stick to my motto: "When the shit hits the fan, and the U.S. is involved, it suddenly becomes life, liberty, and the pursuit of crappiness."

Which brings me to my next question: How many wars will be fought in my lifetime? Scratch that. It's how many wars I will help fight in my lifetime.

And so if it starts with the sinking of the ROKS Cheonan and ends in North Korean control of the world, is that really such a bad thing?

Think about it: an entire world united in peace and prosperity, with the only real war coming from civil unrest, which could only help fuel improvement. Everyone's happy, and we advance as a society that got past that ugly thing called war. Problem is, you can't make a utopia without killing alot of people.

Sure they say that democracy is the best, but more than two hundred years of American policy has produced ALOT of wars, at a frequency, ferocity, and aimlessness the human race hasn't see since the Crusades.

And while the U.S. wastes away in the Middle East causing more and more deaths, we're still arguing over whether we should allow gays to serve openly. If I showed you a picture of three caskets and told you one of them was gay, could you tell me which one it is?

But back to our Korean point. With North Korea supposedly having free: housing, food rations, healthcare, and an educational system sporting a 99% literacy rate, some might argue that personal liberties are worth giving up for this society. Just don't ask too many questions if your neighbor suddenly disappears one day.

They also make some damn nice music:

At least the citizenry can act happy. I'm guessing if they believe it hard enough, it'll become true. I've seen enough of American democracy to want to know what it's like on the other side. Only for perspective, of course. Wouldn't want to be labeled any kind of traitor. That would be the worst.

But don't take my word for it, go watch The Vice Guide to North Korea. Once in a lifetime show:

And if there is indeed no heaven on earth, then we can all just wait to die. Sit back and watch the world destroy itself in a fallout shelter.