65) Crossing Horizon One

As Halloween rolls around, my childhood fears of monsters have turned into a legitimate fear of adulthood and life in general. It doesn't take a well educated person in the United States to figure out that the prospect for a happy future is a bit pessimistic right now.

Swamped by college applications and questions about my future, it's hard to think about what I should do. It's often a shock to your system when you discover that your parents have finally let go and given you command of your own destiny.

At the nexus of crossroads, you gain the ability to understand that you have to choose who you are and what you're going to do, then standing by that choice as long as you deem necessary. Some people can't conform to this ideology, finding it easier to live their lives in relative entropy.

For a person who hates mirrors, this is the hardest thing I could ever do. Core beliefs are hard to solidify on the spot. I believe it's a process that never ends. This is why we place such focus on education and growth. As we learn more about the world and its mysteries, we also learn about how it changes and impacts us individually. It shows us what we should do.

But where does this learning stop? As a rule, it probably never ends. As an old man we can look back on our lives and learn more revelations about humanity in general.

But perhaps a few of the things we should all learn before leaving school is that life is about respecting the will of others and believing in your own. That a person is as much valid in their beliefs as in their actions. That the different values and ideas defining us make us friends rather than enemies. That we are all created equal in our ability to live and to die.

Perhaps I'll never know what I want to be, but with morals and values, it's hard to imagine how I can realistically get anywhere. The entire world does not play by the same rules that designate our destinies.

So I guess part of growing up is understanding that none of it really matters in the long run. You live, you die, you laugh, you cry. The things you do define one small measure of a much bigger picture that cannot be easily changed. You will succeed, you will fail, and most of the time it's not fair.

I once came up with an internal quote:

"When most people are near old age, they wonder whether they've done enough to change the fabric of the world. They wonder if they've made a dent in anything. When I die, I never want to have that problem."

I just hope that my life actions will be for the better. However, I know that I plan to tread the world with conviction and fearlessness, dabbled with a healthy sense of hope and sacrifice. And if all goes well, I can accomplish a transcendence that can withstand the invincible destroyer that is time.

And perhaps, the one virtue I am proudest of:

"You, too...immortal?"
"No. I just don't fear death."

-Vamp and Raiden in MGS4