38) Growing Up

Adolescence is a time for every person to decide who they are in relation to the world. It is when a person decides and acts on their impulse to become a productive(or unproductive) part of society according to the status quo.

And who doesn't think they can change the world at the ripe age of eighteen? Some go on to become successful in their mission, fulfilling their lifelong dreams. It is the majority that is swept up in the throngs of everyday life. After all, nobody can expect who they actually become to be.

So my hypothetical stands for the people who don't want to part of this society, the ones that see human civilization has no intrinsic value to success. Whatever are those people are to do?

I don't claim to know anything, or even a lot. I'm convinced that no one I've ever seen or heard of can ever truly understand what it means to know everything, to become the richest, the most successful, the most popular, etc. There's just too many contradictions and morals involved.

But of the very few things I know, I can testify that the world is not a perfect place, and that my little contributions to the grand scheme of things don't matter. So why should I continue to exist? Is it for some higher purpose I have yet to discover?

It is this kind of soul searching that never stabilizes my mind. Everything I've ever known has always been betrayed by the one common enemy. Purpose. Even purpose's purpose is questionable.

I don't think anybody has a satisfactory answer as to the purpose of everything. I'd be quite shocked if they do.

But what I can't grasp is how I'm able to live, how others have been able to exist for so long without any care for their own purpose. It shocks me to see that I have to conform to the human civilization that has made its own system of survival based on endlessly questionable methodology.

By this I mean that one group of people lives based on indulgence. The first person to rebel gets thrown out of the group. If, hypothetically, this were the only group, that one person would legally be able to "cease to exist" in the relative frame of an outside observer.

That's what keeps me up at night. I want to become that lone person outside the system that can live without the group in peace and happiness. Maybe I already do and I don't know it.

That's what disturbs me. That there is only entropy and no order. That there are only more upon more unanswered questions. It's quite overwhelming if you actually stop to think about it. How is a person to live with such ambiguity? It baffles me.

I search for the impossible things that I can never hope to find, live the life that I know has no value or meaning to me, to reach toward a goal, destiny, or fate that I do not care for or want. How can a person live like this? Perhaps its just that simple: they can't.

So if that's the ultimate truth, I can justify my absolute praise and welcoming of death. What a shame that I can never understand what causes people to exist or perish at that hands of a higher concept.

Must be the absurdist in me.