28) Adolescence Ultimatum

With the start of my new podcast and audio logs, it's hit me that my writer's block may be over. As I and others so crudely describe it: A solider that battles in a hopeless battle against all odds. He has what it takes to win, but that victory will achieve nothing. The only winning move is not to play, but not playing means death.

In the end, curbing my creativity and tapping into it is an untimely chore that will still be scrutinized and graded. I can't avoid the simple fact that my classes force me to become a dictator against my own thoughts.

And then the education system demands that it must be graded. So how do you grade creativity?

But I bring this up because of the origins. Every person has a source that brings them unnecessary hardship and pain. This source can be a person, object, or a metaphysical thing. Most often, you have no control over it.

And so today I realized that there are too many sources in my life. It defies accurate explanation. And like the soldier that I am, combating these sources is another endeavor of hope entirely.

I keep trying to tell myself this is another adolescence phase, but from what I've been able to gather, the phase does not include self loathing, depression, daily crying, and mental breakdowns. Adolescence, as it was, does not exist. Just another fancy term for growing up. So I wonder how many of my classmates experience this.

I would say a lot more, but the evidence is difficult to find, and much more for curiosity rather than practical analyzation. The people I know all experience it, even though they never talk about it. The signs are in the conversation topics, the flared angers, the cold stares.Every time I see that stare of blank indifference I know that I am not the only one.

When I realized that, I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I stopped caring about my life. And most of all, I eliminated the definition of hope from my life.

So where does this all come from? The rigorous testing? The chemical imbalances in our diet? The competition of the American school system?

I genuinely care for all those other people out there that know this unbearable pain. Their cries for salvation and liberation are not in vain. I know they exist, and I am more than willing to listen to what they have to say.

I know so many people that would turn to death to alleviate the pain. I am no stranger to these thoughts.

So I pose that ultimate question. How did the adults of today get over this? Did they ever experience this at all?

I think it's a taboo that no one talks about. Being a high school student isn't easy. Knowing pain daily is.

I know it exists. I know how to find it. I know how to see it. So I wait for when somebody changes it.