18) Imperfect Integrity

When I decided to join track and field this year, I didn't take the decision lightly. I was afraid I wouldn't have enough time to do my homework. The major factor was that I needed to get away from my computer more. I wanted to get in shape.

So like everyone else, I signed the athletic packet, which required physical clearance from my family doctor. Off I went to the health care center in Oakland, supposedly stopping in at the last appointment of the day.

I expected a fifteen minute checkup. I stayed for two hours.

My doctor started asking questions, supposedly to calm me down, or to fill in some of the forms I had. At first I thought it was normal, until he got in depth about my future career and my grades. Then he started to tangent off.

I sat there listening to him rant on about society. About not limiting yourself. About being noble.

I didn't want to hear his speech, but I was intrigued. I sat and looked straight into his eyes as he spoke. He didn't waver once in what he wanted to tell me.

He proposed an analogy about current situations. That life was one part intelligence, nine parts effort. He referenced the smart people in every classroom who were fully capable on succeeding, except that they lacked the motivation and effort. He told me that when a person is shown a video of their ethnic group being discriminated against, they would fail their math test the next day. If they saw a motivation speech by a person of their race, they would ace that math test. He told me that the only person limiting yourself is you.

He went on to explain that his time at Harvard was not in vain, even though he went on to become a lowly clinic doctor. He was perfectly content on being himself due to the modesty he practiced in nobility. "Who is more noble?" he asked, "The high school dropout garbage man who never fails to collect trash, or the Harvard graduate CEO who's taking government bailout money to grab bonuses for himself?"

He concluded by simply stating that all he wanted to do was motivate me to become noble, and become whoever I wanted to be. I shrugged on what I thought was my first experience in a major faux pas.

I say this because I felt some unexplainable anger. At first I thought it was disgust at how the wrong person is telling me how to live my life. He was my doctor, not my father. Then I realized it was because I had never heard this from my father at all.

Did I start to hate my dad? The one who neglected to make this speech in my life?

My father and I don't talk for days at a time. When we do, it's not about anything important. Even though we live under the same roof, I grow more distant from him everyday. He doesn't know how to be a father. My grandfather died of smoking when he was young, so my he doesn't know the first thing about parenting. He and I share the mutual passive attitudes of not bothering each other, making it up as we go. Even as he continues to smoke himself to death like his father did.

With that, I finally decided not to ever take up smoking, no matter what. I decided that if I ever have children, I'll give them what I now dub the "Doctor Speech". And most of all, I'll make sure that I never stop putting in nine parts effort to one part intelligence, especially when it comes to my own life.

I think I'll be able to join track with my head held high.